Warning: This is a Disclaimer!

There are so many ridiculous disclaimers out there that I decided to write some (since I’m now selling furniture).  These are just for fun:

Section 1078.1 (General Safety Rules):

1. This furniture is not a toy and is not intended for use by children (or immature adults);
2. Use only accessories approved by Flair Woodworks.  Use of other accessories may void warranty or cause fire;
3. Consuming alcohol while in the presence of furniture may cause birth defects; and
4. Consult with your doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, butcher, baker, and candlestick maker before using furniture.

Section 1078.24.2 (What not to do):

1. Do not expose furniture to direct sunlight or it may fade, darken, get warm or even hot;
2. Do not place heavy items on your furniture;
3. Do not use furniture for anything other than the intended use; and
4. Do not place items within  2.84 inches (72.136 mm) of the edges of a table or they may fall, resulting in damage or injury.

Section 1078.24.3 (More of what not to do):

1. Do not lock unruly children in cabinets as damage to the interior surfaces of the cabinet may occur;
2. Do not set furniture on your foot.  Injury may occur.  (Also, do not set your foot on furniture when maker is present as injury may occur.);
3. Do not attempt to disassemble or repair your furniture.  It may contain small parts which may become a choking hazard;
4. Do not attempt to swallow any part of your furniture.  It may be a choking hazard;
5. Avoid crouching or crawling below your furniture as you may bump your head when you try to stand;
6. Do not walk within 19.625″ (498.475mm) of furniture unless wearing CSA-approved (Canadian Standards Association) footwear or you may strike your toe, resulting in serious injury; and
7. Do not stick your fingers or other body parts into crevices.

Section 1078.24.4 (Still more of what not to do):

1. Do not dispose of furniture in a fire as it may burn, causing injury or death;
2. Do not handle peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish, eggs, milk products, strawberries or other allergens when using furniture or a severe allergic reaction may occur, causing hospitalization or even death.  (Wasps, bears and crocodiles should also be avoided.); and
3. Do not use while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Section 1078.5 (What to do):

1. Always wash your hands before and after using furniture;
2. When applying weight to furnIture, always apply it slowly and evenly to reduce the risk of catastrophic failure;
3. Always empty pockets before sitting.  Also remove anything with metal parts that may cause damage including wrist watches, jewelry, jackets, belts, and jeans; and
4. Always wear eye protection.

Can you think of any more?  List them in the comments section.