Recently, I’ve been really busy between increased December work hours at Lee Valley Tools Ltd., the big push to complete the outstanding orders of hollow and round planes for my other company, Time Warp Tool Works, and other top-secret Christmas stuff.  Until today, my shop was an absolute mess with all the projects in the works.  I literally had things buried under three other things.

I’m quite sure that I’m not the only one feeling the pressure and stresses of being busy and I find that humour is a great way of coping.  How about a joke?  Here’s my favourite:

What did the frustrated woodworker say when he couldn’t get the joint to fit?

Bad Dovetail BW

Ah, screw it!

Got a good joke that makes you smile every time?  Tell me in the comments section.

Warning: This is a Disclaimer!

There are so many ridiculous disclaimers out there that I decided to write some (since I’m now selling furniture).  These are just for fun:

Section 1078.1 (General Safety Rules):

  1. This furniture is not a toy and is not intended for use by children (or immature adults);
  2. Use only accessories approved by Flair Woodworks.  Use of other accessories may void warranty or cause fire;
  3. Consuming alcohol while in the presence of furniture may cause birth defects; and
  4. Consult with your doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, butcher, baker, and candlestick maker before using furniture.

Section 1078.24.2 (What not to do):

  1. Do not expose furniture to direct sunlight or it may fade, darken, get warm or even hot;
  2. Do not place heavy items on your furniture;
  3. Do not use furniture for anything other than the intended use; and
  4. Do not place items within  2.84 inches (72.136 mm) of the edges of a table or they may fall, resulting in damage or injury.

Section 1078.24.3 (More of what not to do):

  1. Do not lock unruly children in cabinets as damage to the interior surfaces of the cabinet may occur;
  2. Do not set furniture on your foot.  Injury may occur.  (Also, do not set your foot on furniture when maker is present as injury may occur.);
  3. Do not attempt to disassemble or repair your furniture.  It may contain small parts which may become a choking hazard;
  4. Do not attempt to swallow any part of your furniture.  It may be a choking hazard;
  5. Avoid crouching or crawling below your furniture as you may bump your head when you try to stand;
  6. Do not walk within 19.625″ (498.475mm) of furniture unless wearing CSA-approved (Canadian Standards Association) footwear or you may strike your toe, resulting in serious injury; and
  7. Do not stick your fingers or other body parts into crevices.

Section 1078.24.4 (Still more of what not to do):

  1. Do not dispose of furniture in a fire as it may burn, causing injury or death;
  2. Do not handle peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish, eggs, milk products, strawberries or other allergens when using furniture or a severe allergic reaction may occur, causing hospitalization or even death.  (Wasps, bears and crocodiles should also be avoided.); and
  3. Do not use while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Section 1078.5 (What to do):

  1. Always wash your hands before and after using furniture;
  2. When applying weight to furnIture, always apply it slowly and evenly to reduce the risk of catastrophic failure;
  3. Always empty pockets before sitting.  Also remove anything with metal parts that may cause damage including wrist watches, jewelry, jackets, belts, and jeans; and
  4. Always wear eye protection.

Can you think of any more?  List them in the comments section.

Best Moments of WIA Pasadena, 2012

Woodworking In America (WIA) in Pasadena, California was a lot of fun.  These were some of my favourite lines from the show.

I always seem to get asked the most difficult questions by the US Customs Agents in the airport.  This time was different.

Customs agent:  Where are you headed?
Me:  Pasadena, California.
Customs agent:  My brother has the same [luggage] as you.  He loves that bag.  But his got slashed and we all thought he was going to replace it with something he could find at the local store, but he went on Ebay to find the same bag…  Enjoy your trip.

One of the events at WIA was the First Annual Feast of the Ribald Society of Old Moxonians.

Marco Cecala:  Chris, did you go to the Old Moxonians dinner?
Me:  No; I’m not old enough.

Some of the locals evidently have to make excuses to find time to get out of the house.

Paul-Marcel:  Sorry for the late reply.
Roger Savatteri:  Late?  I’m at the studio, er… walking the dog.

Two other woodworkers were discussing religion.  I interrupted.

Me:  My religion is “tails first”.  (I actually don’t have a strong preference when cutting dovetails by hand.)

One of the events at the Hand Tool Olympics was to rip a board as quickly (and accurately) as possible using a coarse-toothed rip saw.

Me:  You’re louder than a table saw!

En route to dinner, we encountered bumper-to-bumper traffic.

John Economaki:  This reminds me of home.  Michael [Berg] works at this pace.

Still en route to dinner with the Bridge City Dream Team, I couldn’t resist making this joke.

Me:  I was hoping we would be going for sushi so I could try to order a Jonokono maki.

Jim Ipekjian was searching through computer folders to find his Powerpoint presentation for his seminar.

Paul-Marcel:  There’s a smart man who doesn’t use the Recent Documents feature when opening a document on a public projector.

Adam Cherubini had taught a class about moulding planes earlier at WIA and somebody mentioned that I had Time Warp Tool Works moulding planes in the Marketplace.  He came over to look at them.

Adam Cherubini:  That’s dead sexy (In a Mike Meyers voice).

Nine Inch Nails song came on the radio.

Me:  Technically, there’s actually no such thing as a nine-inch nail.  I believe any nail over 6″ is a spike.

I may have gotten a little too “in the groove” in the Hand Tool Olympics booth while ripping a board.

@WIAConference:  What is this we hear about @FlairWoodworks dancing on marketplace floor… nice! Camera guys heading your way!

In a quiet moment, I found myself at the Festool booth looking at their new TI-15 Impact Drill.

Me:  I was hoping your impact driver would have a quieter hydraulic hammer mechanism.
Festool Rep:  Liquids and power tools don’t mix.
Paul-Marcel:  That’s why they discontinued the stein.
Festool Rep:  No – That was probably because of your crappy review!

The Dovetail Competition at the Hand Tool Olympics drew a large crowd.  It was an exciting event and a lot of fun participating and spectating.  I had just witnessed Chuck Bender cut a dovetail and heckled him in good fun.  Then it was my turn.  As typical, I tried something unconventional.

Chuck Bender:  I can’t heckle him, because I can’t figure out what he’s doing!

Got more great lines from WIA?  Share them in the comments section!