There are so many ridiculous disclaimers out there that I decided to write some (since I’m now selling furniture). These are just for fun:
Section 1078.1 (General Safety Rules):
- This furniture is not a toy and is not intended for use by children (or immature adults);
- Use only accessories approved by Flair Woodworks. Use of other accessories may void warranty or cause fire;
- Consuming alcohol while in the presence of furniture may cause birth defects; and
- Consult with your doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, butcher, baker, and candlestick maker before using furniture.
Section 1078.24.2 (What not to do):
- Do not expose furniture to direct sunlight or it may fade, darken, get warm or even hot;
- Do not place heavy items on your furniture;
- Do not use furniture for anything other than the intended use; and
- Do not place items within 2.84 inches (72.136 mm) of the edges of a table or they may fall, resulting in damage or injury.
Section 1078.24.3 (More of what not to do):
- Do not lock unruly children in cabinets as damage to the interior surfaces of the cabinet may occur;
- Do not set furniture on your foot. Injury may occur. (Also, do not set your foot on furniture when maker is present as injury may occur.);
- Do not attempt to disassemble or repair your furniture. It may contain small parts which may become a choking hazard;
- Do not attempt to swallow any part of your furniture. It may be a choking hazard;
- Avoid crouching or crawling below your furniture as you may bump your head when you try to stand;
- Do not walk within 19.625″ (498.475mm) of furniture unless wearing CSA-approved (Canadian Standards Association) footwear or you may strike your toe, resulting in serious injury; and
- Do not stick your fingers or other body parts into crevices.
Section 1078.24.4 (Still more of what not to do):
- Do not dispose of furniture in a fire as it may burn, causing injury or death;
- Do not handle peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish, eggs, milk products, strawberries or other allergens when using furniture or a severe allergic reaction may occur, causing hospitalization or even death. (Wasps, bears and crocodiles should also be avoided.); and
- Do not use while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Section 1078.5 (What to do):
- Always wash your hands before and after using furniture;
- When applying weight to furnIture, always apply it slowly and evenly to reduce the risk of catastrophic failure;
- Always empty pockets before sitting. Also remove anything with metal parts that may cause damage including wrist watches, jewelry, jackets, belts, and jeans; and
- Always wear eye protection.
Can you think of any more? List them in the comments section.